she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
