i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
