How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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