i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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