wakey wakey hands off snakey
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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