weddingsv make me drug and hornr
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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