I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
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