apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
