She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
