Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
