The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wow bdsm is so cute
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
