I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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