he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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