How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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