Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Randomize
