just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize