life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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