How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
