just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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