Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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