Is it because I queefed?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
