I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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