some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
