I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
