if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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