Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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