i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
