And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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