wrigley field is MILF paradise
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
