turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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