Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
