so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
