Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
