I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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