Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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