i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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