my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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