also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize