Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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