Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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