Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
