We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
false alarm, still single
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
