I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
