Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
