I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
