Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
