i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
