do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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