After last night, I could never be a politician.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize