I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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