just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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