Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
