he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
