So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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