I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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