can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have fence marks all over my body
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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