Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
